Three simple ways to communicate better with anyone
Where are my people who can get lost even with a map? Even with step-by-step instructions? This is the story of my life. I am not a good tracker of time. I am not a good navigator. I cannot interpret maps. So, why did I think that I could plan a hike in California (across the country from where we reside)? I thought I could, so I did. This seemed like a great date idea for us. I planned for us to take what was described as a “moderate to strenuous” 3.3 mile hike that combined two hikes. It seemed simple enough. I did not communicate the directions well to my husband because I did not have them solid in my own mind. Even though I’m not a great navigator, this ended up still being a very fun experience. We can look back on this hike with fondness and laughter because we were able to communicate with each other with love and respect.
Three steps to better communication:
Ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?”
Then, ask yourself, “What happened that led to this emotion or feeling?”
Finally, ask yourself, “What was I thinking about at the time it happened?”
These steps can help you to improve the way you think about events in your life, as well as giving you an opportunity to re-frame it in a way that helps others understand you better.
Going back to my lovely example of getting lost in the woods in Northern California… I started to feel anxious and worried when I didn’t see the landmarks I thought I would have been seeing at this part of the hike. I knew this was because we were lost because I read the map incorrectly. I started to fear that my husband would be angry and frustrated with me because it was beginning to get hot, he had already gotten stung by some sort of crazy hornet during the hike, and we had only brought one small bottle of water with us.
I swallowed my fears (and pride) and told him that I thought we were lost. I apologized for my ineptness with map reading and interpretation. I asked him for help trying to determine where he thought we may have gotten off-course. He laughed and agreed that we were lost. But, guess what? We figured it out. We weren’t that far off-course.
This conversation could have gone HORRIBLY if we didn’t have these communication skills in our back pocket. We could have started with “Well, you could have been the map reader and then we wouldn’t be lost.” Or, “You always do things like this.” You-statements rarely go well. I-statements work so much better!
Mapping out the I-statement:
I FEEL (name the emotion or feeling) WHEN/ABOUT (describe what’s going on that’s creating the feeling) AND I NEED (describe how the other person can help you with this issue).
So, continuing with my example… “I feel worried about not seeing any markers on this path, and I need for you to help us find our way out of the forest. I also feel worried that you will be angry and frustrated with me for attempting to map out this hike because I am horrible with maps, and I need for you to be patient with me.”
Notice, I didn’t start the sentence with, “I feel like you…” That is just another way of making a You-statement. You just cloaked it with a pretty “I” in front of it. Be vulnerable. Share how you are feeling in that moment and what you need from the other person. Mapping out the I-statement can seem easy on the surface. But it takes practice. Just like (correctly) reading a map, you need to fully understand all of the components. You need to take time and practice it. Try it out with your spouse or co-worker. Try it out with your kids.